Leon the Unprofessional

27 March, 2005 at 4:56 pm (benjamin)

Please note that the following entry contains vulgar language. Those of a more delicate nature may wish to grow up and join the rest of the English-speaking world.

An Open Letter to Benjamin Leon Russell:

Pay your fucking bills.

In 1995, a year into college, I got a call from SallieMae asking me why I’d defaulted on my loan payments. I informed them that I was still in college, and therefore wasn’t supposed to begin repaying my loans until I’d completed my studies. So something must be wrong. It turned out that a different Benjamin L. Russell was fucking about with non-payment. And despite the fact our Social Security numbers were radically different, and that SallieMae uses SSNs as personal serial numbers, this other Benjamin L. Russell’s credit record was somehow bleeding into mine.

Two upraised middle digitsYou may have guessed by this point, Mr. Benjamin Leon Russell, who this other Benjamin L. Russell is. But considering you seem unable to comprehend the basic social contract of paying one’s financial dues, you may actually have the intellectual capacity of the end product many generations of incestuous Afghan Hounds, thus producing the stupidest member of the stupidest breed of the stupidest animal on the planet. So, to wit: it is you.

Due to the slightly unethical but immensely charitable act of a woman working for SallieMae, I know your Social Security number. It was given to me so that I could protect myself against any asinine actions you might take in future. So far, I have only used it for said defense. Do not force my hand so that I begin using it in a series of offensive tactics, linking your name, address, and SSN to a series of home loans, car loans, credit card buying sprees, and mail order sex toys the likes of which H.R. Giger only dreamed of.

It’s been ten years since your foul sewage spilled over into my fiancial records, and I rather thought perhaps you’d grown up enough to learn how to settle your debts responsibly. However, I have received two calls recently from different banks asking me to pay your bills. Here’s a thought: PAY YOUR FUCKING BILLS, as I am not willing to do so in your name.

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