Pre-Approved Veteran Status

16 June, 2004 at 12:50 pm (benjamin)

My First Certificate of Consideration“Bob” sent me a large manilla envelope yesterday asking me if I was “taking full advantage and getting all the available benefits of [my] status as a war-time veteran”. Apparently “[t]he benefits are unbelievable!”

Well, considering that I’ve never been in a branch of the service — helpfully delineated for me (just in case I forgot due to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or Manchurian Candidate Syndrome) by cutesy little stickers on the outside of the envelope — and therefore never served during war-time, I’m not sure I have been taking advantages of my fictional status! What a fool I have been. The only side-benefit of being a “war-time veteran”, which I was somehow able to work out even though the United States wasn’t technically at war with anyone during the period I was between the age ranges of Selective Service, I’ve only luxuriated under the advantageous hotdog availability at the local Legionnaire’s Hall on Memorial Day. O, what a rogue and peasant slave am I!

I’m definitely framing my Certificate of Nomination at once! Without delay! I only hope that not being a veteran won’t prevent me from taking advantage of these fine, fine veteran perks.

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